We’ve just received this correspondence from someone who regularly visits the retreat, which illustrates beautifully how everything that happens to us – even experiencing Covid-19 can be turned into an opportunity for emotional healing. Especially when we are open to bringing up into full consciousness, events that we may have suppressed in the past.
“I think I have corona”.
“The last few days it has been pretty hard to breathe. Yesterday I had a bad pain in my back from straining to breathe, and a horrible dry cough, and last night I was considering calling an ambulance because my lungs/chest hurt worse, and I couldn’t breathe at all easily. I went to bed eventually and had a hard but great experience.
I’ve always had a sensitive back, just in one area, and it was this area that was really sore yesterday. When I went to bed I tuned into that pain and it opened a whole load of feelings.
When I was about 3 I had to go to hospital because I had whooping cough and couldn’t breathe. I don’t remember it but apparently it was pretty serious. When I tuned into the pain in my back, last night I found that it was the fear from that time, buried. It was the fear of being in hospital and the fear of not breathing, but that wasn’t the deepest part of it. The deeper part was the fear of having to get out of hospital and go home to being abused again. I was so scared of that, that I created the cough to get out and go home (die). I wanted to go home so I guess I just buried that fear, all in that spot in my back. I cried so much last night and felt it so deeply, and hopefully released it as deeply as I could…But also, last night when it was so hard to breathe I realised I felt the opposite of when I was a kid. Now, I want to be home, but home feels like here. Mum has a big picture up on the wall in that room-it says ‘home is where you are’. Home feels like earth for now and I realised how much I want to stay…but then also what a growth that is from when I was little and was so scared to live. It is the opposite of how I felt as a kid. I realised I’m not scared of life anymore and that was a good realisation…although it was again, a shock to properly feel how badly I’d wanted to die when I was that young.
I feel a lot better today. I’m not sure about this illness…I kinda think it comes and goes a bit, and I am a bit worried that it isn’t finished. For now, I feel a lot better than I have for the last few days, and I am sooooo grateful for that. I do know that whatever happens is perfect and I can accept that, but the last few days have been a big healing regardless of anything else that happens and I’m so grateful that I had the chance to heal and release that childhood/life fear consciously.
I’m in the middle of another hard to breathe episode. It really sucks. I had a weird experience today – I felt like I was totally disconnected from my body and mind. It was like I was here but there were no feelings. I think I felt the numbing off, if that makes sense. It was horrible-like I was talking to mum, and doing things but was totally numb, like I was watching it from far away with no feelings and I couldn’t get back. I went for a walk which seemed to help a bit and then did some drumming online, with my drum group, which helped a lot. After that, I felt back in my body again, and linked to my feelings again. I didn’t really understand the numbing off thing until that experience, but it wasn’t good. I asked to understand it better and then released a lot of sad feelings, which helped, and then I realised that state was how I was for a lot of my childhood, except I couldn’t feel that at the time- guess it was just normal for me. Then I got more emotional about how grateful I felt to come back consciously having felt both states, and how grateful I felt to know my body and be in it…and now I can consciously choose it and be grateful for it. It is good but I am still in the middle of all the emotions.
It is strange because a few months ago, as you know, I wanted to know how to heal my body as deeply as I could, and now it seems to be happening through this whole experience. It is quite cool how the world works, and even though this breathing thing really sucks, I’m grateful for the deep healing at the same time. I don’t just want the breathing to get better-I can feel the healing I’m doing through it, and whenever I’m emotional I know it is helping me breathe easier-like it physically is.
It sucks but I can feel the good at the same time…and I don’t want to numb any of it this time round.”
This lady previously had the tendency to numb off at emotional issues rather than face them to expose and discover their roots.
Two weeks Later…