In my younger adult life I thought the most important things were ideas. But in the last few years I’ve been learning how important emotions are and consequently, have gained some insights that never occurred to me before.
When younger, I’d sometimes be relieved or even feel quietly smug about not being overwhelmed by feelings and emotions such as fear, anger, depression or simply being dogged by a general feeling of a lack of self worth. To be brutally honest with you I had become “comfortably numb”- as the song goes. This was not a victory: I was becoming a sleepwalker. I lived this way for 20 years until my wife became seriously ill and after a long illness, passed away.
This, as I have said before to some of you, broke my heart open and I started to feel again.
What a gift! It was painful, but it was a beginning. Over the past few years I have been learning to feel again, daring to engage with my feelings and…value them, for whatever they have to tell me, rather than running away from them.
Our feelings, I am discovering are simply messengers. They are saying there is an important clue in this or that situation, and are flags from our souls. Each emotion we experience is an opportunity for fresh insights.
I have learned to look underneath the flag and see what is hidden. If I have anger or am overwhelmed or depressed, there is a good reason for it. The least useful thing I can do is to deny it or suppress it, which of course our egos are tempted to do all the time. Instead, I’ve stumbled across a simple three letter word that reminds me to explore rather than sweep it under the carpet.
Why am I having this feeling? What trauma is beneath this messenger? How do I become free of it?
I will give you an example of what I am talking about. A few times this year I have been with guests at the retreat here at Hillhouse Farm, talking rather too much, a little too keen to share what little knowledge I may think I have. But why was I doing it? A little self-reflection showed me that I had a need to help. A little more digging enabled me to unearth the root emotion. I was wanting to help because of my feeling of Lack of Self-Worth. Ok, so that was the feeling, that was the messenger, but where did this lack of self worth come from?
I tracked it back to the first moment on this planet when we all became aware of our individual status. We experienced the illusion that we were separate from source. In that moment I, personally, believed I was alone, isolated and unable to help others. Everything was so chaotic around me that I didn’t understand what I had to do. Somehow the event seemed as if it was my fault and I took responsibility for what was not mine. My lack of self worth was born from this chaos and has stayed buried in my consciousness until now.
Well, what can I do about it now, eons of years later?
Since our inner divine essence is not trapped by time, it can just as effortlessly act in the present or past. So first, I needed to acknowledge the truth of the event, not just in my brain, but in my whole being. Next, I needed to understand, “I did the best that I could at the time.” Once I accepted this and stopped judging myself, I could finally release my link with the emotion and let it go so that there were no longer any ties between myself and that trauma that triggered the feelings of Lack of Self Worth. Finally I asked the Universe for all the energy of that trauma that has been stuck in me to be dissipated.
I find once I have truly released a trauma, I feel lighter and free-er and cannot be triggered again.
The first few times I faced an emotion and tracked it back to the root trauma, I felt trepidation and not a little fear of a coming confrontation. But gradually, as more layers of the onion were peeled back and more of my traumas were released from the prison of my hidden memories, I now tend to have a feeling of excitement and anticipation of that sense of release.
I invite you to stop and ask yourself why you have your emotions, find out what messages they bring you from your soul and what trapped traumas are ready to leave you now. Happy exploring!