Lack Of Self Worth

I am aware that I had always had a problem with self worth.  For as long as I can remember I didn’t value myself.  I felt I was my parent’s daughter, my friend’s friend, my husband’s wife, my children’s mother etc.  As such I wasn’t important and therefore I have always spent my life trying to do my best to please other people rather than being true to myself.

A couple of years ago I found myself in hospital, in isolation, with leukaemia and I had been given only 20% chance of survival.  I was talking to Louisa on the phone and she was saying that when Jesus addressed a crowd of people, He held His hands out to everyone, not just those that were ‘worthy’, and that was when my Jesus experience began….

I saw myself sitting on the floor, in the front row of a crowd of people, listening to Jesus talk.  I saw Him come and extend His hands out to me and help me to my feet.  He took me in His arms and hugged me and said ‘Welcome home my darling daughter.”  Then He turned to the crowd with his arm around my shoulders as if to show how pleased He was to have me back.  I felt like the prodigal son.  I didn’t recognise the girl standing with Him, although I knew that she was me, but I saw her standing upright and proud and it felt like He’d given me the gift of self worth.  It was an amazing experience and one that will live with me forever.

A month or two later, I was in the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and it was only then that I suddenly recognised the girl as myself – me with self worth!   That, too, was a very profound moment for me.

For a long time I hardly mentioned my story to anyone as it felt like I was boasting because Jesus had singled me out from the crowd.  It is only now, over a year later, that I can see the bigger picture….

Yes, it was ‘me’ who He singled out, so why me?….

It was me because I represented the millions and millions of people who are lacking in self worth. 

So why me?…..

It was me, because I was dying and one of the many reasons I was dying was because of my lack of self worth, which in turn, meant that I couldn’t live my life being totally true to myself.   Having this amazing experience enabled me to see that, although I didn’t feel worthy, Jesus thought differently.  Even though I had gone my own way, He still welcomed me back with open arms and proudly showed everyone how pleased He was to see me again.  And I know for sure, that this was the first step on my road to recovery.

Again I ask, why me?……

This experience was for all people who lack self worth, but it needed to happen to someone for whom it would be a life changing event.  And for me, it was not only life changing, but also life saving.

It is for this reason that I am now keen to share my experience with all those who know where I was coming from.  Picture yourself in my place and know for sure that it applies to you too.

Now, 2 years later, when I re-read what I’d written, I saw it in a different light again.  Seeing me write ‘why me’ so many times, makes me think that I was still lacking in self-worth to a certain degree which is why I felt the need to keep justifying my experience.

I wonder how I will feel in 2 years time…

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