The story of my fall

Within our everyday lives are profound lessons, hidden like gems, wrapped up in very ordinary looking events. If we are prepared to pay attention to these special moments we can fall out of the habit of believing life is happening to us and instead wake up to the fact that life is happening, just as it is, for us.    Below is an event that happened very recently to “Jo”. She is an accomplished ballroom dancer who treasures the experience of oneness that can happen with a dance partner from time to time when everything goes just right.


Earlier today I was sitting looking out of the window with a badly sprained foot after having had a stupendous fall yesterday. I was feeling somewhat sorry for myself and in a fair bit of discomfort. I puzzled and puzzled as I tried to see the reason behind this fall and work out what my ‘lesson’ was.

I had gone for my usual meet up with my dance partner to practice. It all seemed to start off perfectly well, but no more than 10 minutes had passed when, out of the blue, he verbally began to attack me about a minor conversation I had had with one of his dance students the week before, and which had lasted for no more than four sentences. Those that know me are aware that this dance partnership has been a difficult and testing one with ups and downs that could compete with the Big roller coaster at Blackpool, but I was completely bewildered by this attack.

I told him so, but it continued. He told me that that I had responded to a question I had been asked in a touchy, superior manner and with unnecessary detail. In no uncertain terms, he told me that this was about my ego, that I had made a fool of myself and him, that his students were laughing at me, and that I was not to speak to them again other than to say hello and goodbye. He emphasised that he could not possibly have known about this conversation had they not been laughing at me. I am sorry to say that, being human, I became very angry and responded accordingly. Needless to say, the remaining practice did not go well. I am also sorry to say that, throughout the practice, I was drawn into his argumentative energy again and again as my buttons continued to be pushed. This was most definitely NOT my intention and I gave myself a thoroughly good kicking afterwards.And of course, it all ended abruptly in the fall.

Now I get on really well with his students and we always have a bit of a chat after their class is over, and even a little banter. So I needed to really think about this. Had I been all those things he said? I really couldn’t think straight and I just felt I wanted to cry in both disappointment at myself and frustration at the whole thing. This morning I was none the wiser as I continued to sit with my ponderings (and my very cold foot from the icy cool compress)!

I eventually found myself weeping (which was a relief to finally let it out) and I asked the Universe for someone to help me “talk this through” so that I could understand. I felt drawn to call upon the soul of someone I understand had struggled most of his life with his ego, and who had been both an inspiring and motivational speaker and writer throughout his life. And the help came very quickly. As my thoughts went into replay, I began to ‘see’ the build-up to the attack and, having known my partner now for 3 years, I began to understand that this was very much about his own issues, his ego, and his resistance to any changes that he had not made or agreed to himself. I also sensed that he somehow felt threatened by me and I had exposed a bit of an untruth which had left HIM feeling foolish.

At the same time, I also recognised that, as souls, we were reflecting issues in each other, and I too needed to examine my own reasons for my angry reactions and where they stemmed from. Finally, after everything seemed much clearer and clarified, these lovely words came to me. With tongue in cheek I must say that, as much as my ego would like to say these words are mine, I actually feel that they came from this inspiring and motivational soul. So I will honour this by surrounding the words with quotation marks!

“Let us not judge any situation or person, including ourselves.

For from non-judgment, understanding grows.

From understanding, forgiveness grows.

From forgiveness, healing grows.

And from healing, love grows.

And from this growing sense of love, true unconditional love can begin…….”

The foot is still badly swollen and I won’t be dancing for a while, but it (and hopefully everything else) is now on the mend!

AFTER THE FALL

It’s been two days since I wrote about The Fall and I have found that the story has not quite reached its end… In spite of all the understandings that came from the incident, I have sensed much anger inside of me which I have struggled to let go although I have tried. But I believe that today, a healing and resolution truly has taken place. This morning before I left for work, I began to sense that I needed to go back within myself and find the source of what had set this whole incident off, and why I was finding it so hard to forgive and let go.

As usual, I had to ask the Universe to send me the help as I simply couldn’t get to it myself. If necessary (I asked) then please just help me to let go whether I need to know where it’s come from or not. As I drove into work I sensed this big ball of anger vibrating in my stomach. It took me a bit by surprise and it was so uncomfortable, it made me feel almost breathless. I kept trying to breathe it out in order to release it. Then I felt as if I was being guided to list all the emotions I had felt during the incident: The attack from nowhere leaving me absolutely stunned and bewildered The feeling of absolute unfairness at the uncalled for and unnecessary attack The fast growing sense of anger and resentment followed by pain and self-pity The frustration and fury as I felt that, in spite of all my efforts, he was once again blocking and sabotaging our opportunity to gel as a couple and work towards that amazing sense of unity and flow which would allow us to joyously dance as one – something I have been longing for and reaching for, for such a long time now. And then that good old word reared up again – Separation.

I was despairing and ranting and railing at the sense of Separation from Source. Gradually, it has come to me that this feels very much about the Split **– yet again – when I held on and on and on in absolute terror, and in my attempt not to let go and fall. Every time I think there is nothing left to heal from this time, I find that actually there is. And I wonder – will it never end? I am now feeling a sense of calm, acceptance and gratitude for the help sent, and also a little awe at the realisation that I have truly recognised the blessing in the situation. I have been able to thank my partner’s higher self for having shown me what I needed to see in myself in order to heal yet another layer of these original emotions. I hope his behaviour will never be repeated. Maybe it won’t need to be now that I have recognised my ‘lesson’ and managed to heal some more. But if it does, I pray and trust that I will not respond in the same way again and that I will ‘let go’ and walk away with a quiet dignity and an undisturbed sense of love.

**  Editor’s Note:

Jo is talking here about the first time we all slipped out of the Oneness aeons ago and began to experience duality. Till then there was no individual separation, no for or against no good and bad. We were simply aware of the All and Everywhere at once. After that, we uniquely experienced life in duality and suffered the deep shock of individual separation for the first time, from which a great variety of emotions became locked into our very psyche.  When we want to get to the root of repetitive patterns of behaviours we may well find the solution by returning to that moment when we split off on our individual trajectory from the All and began our unique story.  We each have our own unique recipe and mix of emotions and experiences to release and let go of so that we can return to oneness, in a conscious way as prodigal sons, thus healing our unique pilgrimage into duality.

It may be prudent to note, that when we have fully let go of all the emotion from the moment of the split we will no longer react at all.

 


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